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I want to stick to it!! 

I am one of those people who start something, then give up because I have no motivation what so ever. Well I need to change this. I have an appointment with a councillor coming up to begin my CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) which I have been putting off for years due to being scared to face my demons. And to face my truth. But the time has come to sort out my head and become mentally healthy. But that is not why I write this post. 

Today I joined the gym. And I am not very good at it. I can’t run to save my life. And I have no idea about fitness programs or how to use the equipment or what’s best to do. But I am going to try and get better and fitter and shift some of this weight. I spent an hour using machines that I know how to use. I did 10 minutes on the cross trainer, 30 minutes on the treadmill (this is how I know I can’t run), 15 minutes on the bike thing and a cool down on the cross trainer again. No idea of it is the right thing to do but there you go. 

Like I said, I want to stick to this. I know my past attempts at getting healthy and losing weight have failed and I’m hoping with a bit of support I will be able to do this. By support I mean my friends and family removing my bank card from me, not letting me buy fast food and giving me a salad and reminding me I want to lose weight. Yes it’s not their responsibility but I can’t do it alone lol. My self control is not the best. I’m a failure at seeing the bigger picture and will probably tell you that the large Big Mac and 6 chicken nuggets is fine because I will start again tomorrow. Well it’s true. Tomorrow never comes and I am fat mess when it comes to making healthy choices. 

But no more….. I hope. As I said I fail a lot! But positivity is key! I need to be more positive! I can do this!!! 

Please help me!!! 😂😂😂😂

I don’t want to look like a floating whale anymore 😂😂😂

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My UFI… 

Unidentifiable flying insect. 

So today I went to town with a friend and just chatting and walking round. Next thing I feel a fly near my ear so I waft it away. I then feel it inside my ear and tell my friend. She starts pissing herself laughing but looks in my ear and says she can’t see anything. While in Claire’s accessories I feel something move in my ear. Now my friend and the two shop attendants are laughing at me so I take myself to boots to ask the pharmacist to look in my ear. They tell me to go to the opticians and see the audiologist. 3 opticians later and the audiologist confirms there is a bug in my ear. So after my friend telling me I’m paranoid and listing a load of mental disorders I could have, I was right. But the audiologist can’t get it out and tells me to go A&E. 

I ring them to be told it’s and hour and half wait. I cannot wait any longer with this bug in my ear. At this point I am freaking out and my friend tells me to work on my breathing while laughing her ass off. 

So I go to my doctors and I am panicking at this point and she asks the nurse to chat to me. This lovely nurse takes me to the room as has a look. She informs me the bug is dead.. ITS STILL IN MY EAR!! So she brings out this water machine and starts squirting water into my ear. All I hear is my friend say she saw it come out. Thank fuck for that!!

So we are all stood round the sink looking at this bug that was in my ear and we have no idea what it is. But it’s out and I have a very clean ear 😂😂😂

This is the little shit who violated my ear!! 

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Ciao Adios, I’m done…

Tell her she’s pretty, tell her she’s amazing, tell her everything she wants to hear…. then sleep with her and fuck her off. Standard modern behaviour. I guess women can do this too, I wouldn’t know seeing as how I am not a dick head. 

And yes the woman in question does have low self esteem and a bit of attention from guys she didn’t think were dick heads goes a long way. 

Not all men are dicks… I don’t think anyway?? I’m yet to meet a none dickish guy. But anyway, people tell me they are out there and I have to believe in this. 

Nowadays it seems like it’s the done thing to whisper sweet nothings into another ears and when they do get physical… they then fuck you off and think it’s exceptable. AND THEN go on to tell people there’s no one decent out there. 

AHEM!!!!!! You my friend are a dick head. There is no one decent out there because you can’t see past your genitalia!!! And treat the decent ones like absolute shite! 

And when someone is feeling lonely or unattractive or even just low, hearing someone saying your beautiful and funny and amazing is such a good thing to hear. This generally makes them blind to the fact they are about to be used. Instead they are thinking of skipping off into the sunset together. And the reality is they just wanted a bang and then never speak to you again or pretend it didn’t happen and try being your mate again. 

Well it’s hurts. Especially if you didn’t think they were dick heads. I write this from the female perspective but I assume there are men out there that feel this way too. Women can be dicks too! 

Well I am sick of being the girl who falls for the sweet talk and the attention when it suits them. No thank you! 

I am wiser and guarding against the shit! 

Ciao Adios, I’m done 

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One is the loneliest number…

In some ways, one is the loneliest number. I find myself trapped in my own mind when I’m alone. I taunt myself with negative thoughts and feelings. I corrupt good memories and twist them to see things that weren’t there. I allow my paranoia to take over and shatter the reality. One is lonely when you are your own worst enemy. 

Hello. My name is Mel and I suffer with depression. (Heads up… this ain’t a happy post). 

Some days can be amazing. I can have the best day ever and it can all come crashing down the next day. Why? 

Well according to my doctor, my happy little enzymes are being blocked and are not making it through the happy door. Shitty little enzymes. 

I say I have paranoia, which is true. (No I’m not a pot head). But not in the sense of someone is out to get me or I’m being followed etc. But in a sense that I think people hate me or are talking about me. I also twist myself up thinking people avoid me. And I know that I do it. I’m not oblivious to my mental health. I know there is nothing to be depressed about. That doesn’t stop it happening. 

It really pisses me off when people say they don’t believe in depression or it’s not a recognised illness. Go back into your narrow minded little hole! 

A friend once said to me “anyone can train to fix a broken leg or a heart problem. I want to help fix the brain”. She is studying to be a mental health nurse and I’m really proud of her. She gets it. 

That’s another thing that pisses me off. I’ve heard general nurses taking the piss out of mental health nurses saying things like they are not proper nurses. Well it’s mental health nurses that will save lives just through talking to someone. By taking the time to listen. 

Oh iv gone off on a tangent…. oops. 

I forgot the point I was making. 😂😂😂

Anywho…. I wrote this because I am sat alone and my mind started racing and twisting and I thought writing it out might help me. Well it did 🙂

My pointless post about depression 😂😂😂 

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What is wrong with me…?

Many times I ask myself this question, along with others that put myself down. I find myself thinking I’m not good enough, pretty enough, funny enough or even tolerable. Well this needs to stop. There is nothing wrong with me. It’s you! I allow other peoples opinions and judgements to effect me. But I shouldn’t. There is nothing wrong with me. I am reliable, honest, kind, genuine and a good person. I put others before myself even when they don’t deserve it. I see the good in people even when they have hurt me. I will always be there for people and try my hardest to pick them up when they are down. So.. what is wrong with you? I’m awesome! 

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Fat to fit…

This is my new motto! Shed the fat and get fit. 

So my fit bit arrived and I love it. My work friends have them so we have little challenges to see who can do better. I am actually getting out and moving. It’s a small start but I am enjoying walking with friends. Plus it helps with my mental health and releases those happy endorphins 😂 and I’m going to get my treadmill out!! 

Small steps to beat the fat! I’m starting to eat right and enjoy cooking more. (As I write this, I forgot I’ve got chicken in the oven… crispy chicken it is). But it’s a start 😂

So the mission is Fat to Fit!!!! 

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Fit bit…

In 2013 I invested in a fit bit to track my exercise. (I didn’t exercise….) It was another fad gadget I had to have. It soon ended up in a draw and then lost. I think it’s in my ottoman in my dinning room. 
But recently a few friends in work have gotten them and I thought why not try it out again. (I still don’t exercise… but I’m going too. Honest.) so I downloaded the Fitbit app and set my phone up as my tracker until I locate my Fitbit. 

Well it has become a massive competition to see who can do more steps in a day. We have set challenges in the app and so far, I am 7th out of 10. This challenge lasts Monday to Friday and the person with the most steps wins that week. So watch this space… then we do a weekend warrior challenge. 

It’s my day off work tomorrow and I want a lie in and chill. But no.. the team have decided we are going walking. I’d say no to going and roll over and not even think about it. But I’m 7th!!! I can’t let them speed past me! So I’m getting up early and walking the walk! 

Moral of the story is don’t get a Fitbit. They are addicting!!