Surj Tankian wrote the song the unthinking majority and while I was cleaning my house today it came on my playlist. One verse in particular stood out to me like it always does:
Controlling tools of your system
Making life more tolerable
Making life more tolerable
Well… yeah. They do make life more tolerable by controlling bits of our brains that block out happy endorphins. BUT… if you miss like two days of them… by accident.. then your life becomes a whole heap of mess! I know from experience. I’m on a high dose of antidepressants and I hate it. I rely on them and have done for years. But I fall into the trap of feeling ok again and thinking that missing one tablet won’t be so bad… but it’s never just one tablet. It’s a few days of this and then I hit rock bottom again. Why do I do it? I don’t know but it’s like a little voice that’s says ‘you don’t need it today, take it later’. And I don’t. So then I have to start again and let them get into my system and start controlling again. Like little tiny robots I release from the capsule to hack open the shut door.. if I don’t take them… the robots seize up and die. I need a healthy supply daily of my happy robots.
Thats what they are. Happy robots!
I could make a cartoon show out of this 🤔
anyway.. I’ve released my robots today so hopefully tomorrow I will start to feel better again 🙂
So a friend of mine discovered my blog last night and told me that I should write again. I’m at a point right now where my head is a mess again and maybe writing it out will help.
I have finally taken the step and started my CBT therapy.. yes I know a previous post says I was starting, but like I said.. my motivation is shit. So I will begin my therapy at the end of the month properly and they think my self esteem is the root cause of evil!
I have a lot of thoughts running through my mind right now and trying to organise them is a bit hard right now. I feel lost. I rely on medication to keep me balanced, I seek approval from everyone because I don’t like myself and I can be too much at times. Iv got a relative on life support, a stepdad who’s falling apart, a family at war and a mind that hates me. It’s too much. Not to mention my financial situation. How do people cope? Really? This is not what I wanted my life to be like, yet here I am.
This post may seem a bit all over the place but it’s how my head is right now, I’m struggling to focus or relax at the moment. Maybe this post is a good representation of this… I’m off on a tangent now about pointless crap…
so yeah… I might be back writing or I might give up again as I usually do. We shall see…
The idea of putting up our walls to protect ourselves is a fine thing if you can do. I tend to say I don’t care and try to make it so. But I lie. I do care. More than anything. And this is why I am miserable most of the time. I wish I was an ice queen. I wish I could close my heart off to those who do me wrong. But I can’t. I am programmed to care and I think it’s my worst trait. People say it’s a good thing. No it’s really not. I put myself out for other people and get little back. I put myself out there to be rejected, over looked, used and dropped just because I care more for people than they do me. I don’t speak up, I don’t let my rage free, I don’t do anything. I am a doormat. To be walked over, wiped on and stood on. And I don’t change it. I let it happen. I care for other people’s feeling when they couldn’t give a crap about me. Oh look here’s mel moaning again… yes. Because I am sick of it. Open your eyes and stop treating people how you would hate to be treated. I wish I could swap shoes for a day but I guess that wouldn’t change anything. Still get treated like crap. It’s a lonely world being surrounded by people who just don’t care. I don’t want to care. I don’t. I want to be a stone cold bitch. It’s ok for people to speak to me like shit apparently so I need to grow some balls and give it back. I tiptoe around people because I’m scared to be alone and friendless and I lose my voice because of it!
Just be fucking kind to each other!!! It’s not that fucking hard!!!
Jealousy is an ugly thing. It rises up when we least expect it and can chew us up inside. Well my green eyed monster has been rearing its ugly face quite a lot recently. I am jealous of happy people.
I am 26 and my life is not how I thought it would be. As a British girl, I watched a lot of American romances growing up and they all ended with the happily ever after and the white picket fence. And that’s what I thought I would have by this age. Not the white picket fence but my own little happy ending…. or happily ever middle… as I’m 26 and nowhere near my ending.
Yes I am jealous of couples and family’s and weddings and my sister. Oh dear. I never thought the day would come. But it’s true. I want a man of my own and a child of my own. You see these couples who have been together since school and know everything about each other and are madly in love. Well it all seems like a fairy tale to me at the moment.
Yes everyone says wait my turn and don’t look for someone and it will happen. Well when do you get fed up of waiting? What do you do then?
I am at a point in my life where I am stuck in a rut and not sure on where to go. If I had money I’d travel the world and explore. If I had loads of friends I’d party the summer away instead of Dwindling away.
A lot of what ifs. Yes I should go out and make it happen. Truth is, I don’t know how to.
Ifs, buts and coconuts.
What a conundrum. I wish I could go down the rabbit hole and have a little adventure.
Why are we programmed to want to fall in love, get married, have kids and get a dog? It’s frustrating and a long process 😂😂
Anywho… this is my latest blog on jealousy and frustrations!
As a shift worker, I am required to do nights and I don’t mind doing them. But they are a killer! My body clock goes mental, my brain goes fuzzy and sleeping is a nightmare. I have just finished 3 nights in work and I currently have the post night blues. I over slept so I probably won’t sleep tonight and I am bored but can’t be bothered to do anything because I am tired but can’t sleep. Well it sucks. It makes me ill. My anxiety levels hit the roof and my paranoia goes into over drive. I’m currently at the point where I am thinking there has got to be more to life. If I had the money I’d quite happily piss off somewhere on an adventure! But I can’t. My legs ache and my back is hurting! I’ve eaten rubbish food at stupid o’clock on the morning to get through the night and now I feel sluggish. Tomorrow I go food shopping then hit the gym. I don’t care if my body is protesting right now. I need to get back on it and get the happy endorphins moving!!
The worst thing…. I’m on nights again next week… FML. I will do better next week! 😩😩😩😩
I am one of those people who start something, then give up because I have no motivation what so ever. Well I need to change this. I have an appointment with a councillor coming up to begin my CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) which I have been putting off for years due to being scared to face my demons. And to face my truth. But the time has come to sort out my head and become mentally healthy. But that is not why I write this post.
Today I joined the gym. And I am not very good at it. I can’t run to save my life. And I have no idea about fitness programs or how to use the equipment or what’s best to do. But I am going to try and get better and fitter and shift some of this weight. I spent an hour using machines that I know how to use. I did 10 minutes on the cross trainer, 30 minutes on the treadmill (this is how I know I can’t run), 15 minutes on the bike thing and a cool down on the cross trainer again. No idea of it is the right thing to do but there you go.
Like I said, I want to stick to this. I know my past attempts at getting healthy and losing weight have failed and I’m hoping with a bit of support I will be able to do this. By support I mean my friends and family removing my bank card from me, not letting me buy fast food and giving me a salad and reminding me I want to lose weight. Yes it’s not their responsibility but I can’t do it alone lol. My self control is not the best. I’m a failure at seeing the bigger picture and will probably tell you that the large Big Mac and 6 chicken nuggets is fine because I will start again tomorrow. Well it’s true. Tomorrow never comes and I am fat mess when it comes to making healthy choices.
But no more….. I hope. As I said I fail a lot! But positivity is key! I need to be more positive! I can do this!!!
Please help me!!! 😂😂😂😂
I don’t want to look like a floating whale anymore 😂😂😂
Unidentifiable flying insect.
So today I went to town with a friend and just chatting and walking round. Next thing I feel a fly near my ear so I waft it away. I then feel it inside my ear and tell my friend. She starts pissing herself laughing but looks in my ear and says she can’t see anything. While in Claire’s accessories I feel something move in my ear. Now my friend and the two shop attendants are laughing at me so I take myself to boots to ask the pharmacist to look in my ear. They tell me to go to the opticians and see the audiologist. 3 opticians later and the audiologist confirms there is a bug in my ear. So after my friend telling me I’m paranoid and listing a load of mental disorders I could have, I was right. But the audiologist can’t get it out and tells me to go A&E.
I ring them to be told it’s and hour and half wait. I cannot wait any longer with this bug in my ear. At this point I am freaking out and my friend tells me to work on my breathing while laughing her ass off.
So I go to my doctors and I am panicking at this point and she asks the nurse to chat to me. This lovely nurse takes me to the room as has a look. She informs me the bug is dead.. ITS STILL IN MY EAR!! So she brings out this water machine and starts squirting water into my ear. All I hear is my friend say she saw it come out. Thank fuck for that!!
So we are all stood round the sink looking at this bug that was in my ear and we have no idea what it is. But it’s out and I have a very clean ear 😂😂😂
This is the little shit who violated my ear!!